yeah.

Tonight I went for a walk with my iPod and pretty soon after that decided to listen to Over the Rhine's new album, The Long Surrender, all the way through. It was good sad and beautiful and whatever - there's probably a whole slew of blog posts in that experience. Anyway, the first lyric on the album is

"Come on boys
It's time to settle down
What do you think you'll gain from all this running around?"


I feel like I am one of the boys that lyric is directed at. I run around a lot. Not physically (I like cake too much for that), but in my head and my heart. I worry about things and try to work them out in my head, often before I even know all (or any) of the details. This probably doesn't make me much different from anybody else. I currently have two favorite things to worry about. The first is the month of May. I have a couple of exciting opportunities that I could pursue, but I am having a lot of trouble deciding between them. The second is next fall. I don't know if I can afford to come back to school, and if I can, I don't know if I should. For the past week or so, I've been quite stressed and worried about it. It's caused me to become rather cynical and to start thinking pretty poorly of myself and of my friends. I'm sure I've probably seemed at least OK on the surface, but when I'm at my worst I can have a great poker face, and at my best I often can't help but be a mess (it's hard for me to remember that that is indeed my best). Anyway, it wasn't a good place to be. But I realized something this evening as I was walking about and playing in the woods: I've been obsessing over finding the "answers" about what I'm doing in May and in the fall, but the answers aren't really what I'm looking for or even what I want. What I want is Jesus, now. I've been mistaking solidifying my May plans and my school plans for the face of Jesus. I mistake a lot of things for the face of Jesus. My friends, time with my friends, music, food, movies, and lots of other stuff I'm sure. These are all good things, but when the Lord comes second to them, I've found that they are at best distractions and at worst self-destructive vices.
But I digress. Point: What I'm doing in May doesn't matter. What I'm doing next fall doesn't matter. God will take glory from it, and that's all I really need to care about. There's too much life to live and not enough time to fill it with worries, obsessions, and fears about things like that. Whatever my path is, I will be set on it whether I want to or not, so all I can do is focus on what's happening right now and seek the Lord in that.

This has been What's Going On In My Life Right Now...join me next time to find out what will be happing to me then.


"Jesus my Lord, my life, my light, oh come with blissful ray
Break radiant through the shades of night and chase my fears away
Won't you chase my fears away

Then shall my soul with rapture trace the wonders of Thy love
But the full glories of Thy face are only known above
They are only known above"
-Thou Lovely Source of True Delight


lemon out.